I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND 💚
Social media: Instagram
Been through therapy: Yes (even before it became mainstream)
Job: Yes (tour manager for artists and bands)
Hair: Yes (still not getting bold somehow)
I have been single for a LONG time. Couldn't think of a better way to start this article.
There were probably many reasons for that, the main one definitely to be my own life's trajectory — being displaced from the country of origin, alone, forced to be focused entirely on survival for multiple years.
I didn't have any headspace for it, fell off the dating wagon, and only fairly recently I felt like standing on a solid ground again and decided to properly look around for the first time in ages.
And the reality was... not great.
Firstly, moving to a city like London by itself was no joke. Everything was new, loud, busy and confusing. The communication was different, work culture was different and of course — the dating scene.
Huge melting pot full of girls from all over the world. There was no longer a common straightforward approach, as every community, class or region of origin dictated their own sets of unspoken game rules, of which I had no prior knowledge.
Let alone I'd have to now do it in my second language with no point of reference whatsoever. It's one thing when I'm buying groceries or asking for directions, and another — being flirty, intimate and sexy in vocabulary that was still forming.
Secondly, everything got way too digitalized. Yes, the apps.
Back in the days it used to be 1 app. Now it's 5 or 6, and these are only the ones I have heard of, each with their own audiences and rules. Special rings people wore, to show they don't mind to be approached and so on. It was just too much.
For quite some time, I was floating — not actively pursuing any leads, yet not turning the good ones down. This resulted in a couple of beautiful short term sparks, each doomed from the beginning due to a significant distance. Nonetheless, I'm happy those have taken place.
Then I finally tried the apps, and it was... bad.
Not only the process of swiping around reminded of shopping at a meat market, but the entire structure of flirt and communication down the line felt entirely alien to me.
How was I supposed to grab another person's attention with 1 or 2 text messages? When one flirts, there's so much going on! Natural charismas come to surface, body language kicks in, jokes fly around. It's an incremental delicate dance for two. How can that be replaced by an opening text line, inevitably being copy-pasted across chats as one simply doesn't have enough bandwidth to invent one for each?
Even if the chat began, it was instantly too much for me. Due to nature of my work I may easily have 40-50 active ongoing chats every day. When the day was done, all I could think of is throwing my phone away and having a normal human conversation. The negativity and stress associated with being on my phone ruined it for me — I absolutely sucked at texting.
The kind of people hanging on those apps was a different breed entirely. Although I knew couples that are legit happily married after meeting on early days Tinder, I am convinced that 2026 apps are beyond salvation. It's full of people looking for validation based on their looks, one night stand seekers, or those simply trying to inflate their own egos by collecting the matches into inboxes without any intention to ever replying, let alone dating them.
95% of my few matches ghosted me, I went on a total of 2 (two) dates, and both were awful. I deleted all the apps and promised myself that from now on I will only pursue to meet people organically.
And that didn't work very well either.
Turns out — I am not organically exposed to any circles where I could potentially do so. My professional circle was all outside London scattered around the world and my circle of friends doesn't really exist here yet. Any hobby or sport I do is an individual one, like swimming, for example. It didn't feel appropriate to chat when you're both sweaty, half naked and smell chlorine. Almost feels it should be backwards.
I grabbed every possible invitation to BBQ parties, birthdays or housewarmings, but those were few and not fruitful in that particular regard. Great parties though!
Very few options remained for me, such as chatting to random girls in bars or other public spaces. But not only my approach anxiety was twice as high, it somehow felt not socially acceptable to do that. It must be a big city thing, where people don't generally talk or trust each other. I'm sure the situation in the country is way different.
Another obvious revelation I got while trying this direct approach — not everybody wanted to be approached, duh!
Good thing about dating apps is that people there (at least, on paper), by definition want to date not necessarily me, but least SOMEBODY. They are (again, on paper) should be open for it. That was not the case in the physical world — girls had boyfriends, husbands, packed schedules, were recovering from recent break-ups, were tourists, were in a rush, were in a bad mood, or simply didn't like me, which is fair enough.
Quite quickly and with a bit of math I figured, that even if my hit to miss ratio would be around 1 to 10 (which is already crazy high), it would take me hundreds of approaches to start a few conversations and potentially securing one or two coffee dates. I didn't have that kind of energy in me, and wouldn't even start imagining how creepy would that eventually look and feel.
For the sake of the argument I would mention that sometimes girls direct approached me instead. Those situations very often included alcohol and were presented as opportunities for one night stands. Despite it being a nice dangling dopamine carrot, this was not exactly what I was after, especially on a long run. As I figured later in life — there were also a few ladies around, who wanted a legit relationship with me, but their signals were too subtle, and I was certainly too dumb to decipher them at the time.
After the "meeting people organically" thing kinda went to shit, I started seriously worrying about my prospects.
And eventually I found a compromise. A hybrid, if you will.
An app that didn't have any chat feature in it, and if a match happened, you both had to pay upfront and go on a real date. Your first drinks were included in the price, and the app took a small commission, so there was no paid subscription model and therefore the incentive to tweak the algorithm, which to me seemed pretty fair.
The dates happened in partner cafes or bars, where the staff was aware of the program and kept an eye on couples, providing safety and security for the lady, if needed. If one of the people ghosted the other and didn't show up for the date, their account got blocked, and the other person received both the payments back to their balance.
Oh boy, and I had a great time on that app!
Going in, I expected the crowd there not only to value their time like I value mine, but also be more mindful about whom they liked, since every match now costed 15$ and 3 hours of their lives. And that was exactly right.
I went on dates with start-up CEOs, finance and marketing leads, music venue managers, prison psychologists, actresses and many more. It was AWESOME. Some of the conversations went way past the allocated time and were full of meaning and joy.
It was definitely a crowd with a brain frequency similar to my own. When I realized that, I started asking my dates their opinions on London dating scene, just to see if there were any similarities.
To my biggest surprise, their experience was not very far from my own. Wasting time on apps, being ghosted, being rude to for no reason. Being confused on where would they even begin if the goal is a warm hearted relationship, and not another quickie with a stranger.
And it's their experience, not mine, that eventually motivated me to finish this text.
After the date has concluded, both participants had a choice to exchange numbers. If both said "yes", then phone numbers were exchanged, if at least one said "no" — the app automatically unmatched the profiles.
Surprisingly, even when I thought the date went great, sometimes the lady didn't want to exchange numbers. Which, again, is fair enough. Also I didn't want to drink every time if I'd like to have more dates.
My conclusion after getting through all these steps was quite simple: modern dating in a major metropolitan area is a numbers game. One has to play until it clicks, and afterwards — stick to it.
Sometimes I'm not being approached because I have that iconic "slavic stare" on my face. Sometimes my approach anxiety is too high to make the first move. It's impossible to predict which action leads to which outcome, but as long as the numbers increase — the chances increase.
I wrote this text for 4 main reasons:
- Share my story and potentially validate the frustration of those who had similar experience.
- Let the outside world know that I am open for dating = get more dates.
- Save many hours for myself and my potential dates by drawing a framework of what is essential about me and for me. Let's not make the dealbreakers emerge after a few months ...
- Hold myself accountable for what I'm really after, in case I get carried away by a siren song.
It takes two to do the dance. I can't know what's on the other person's mind. The best I can do is to let others know that I'm open for it, and hope for the best.
I understand this text may look like a public embarrassment to some. But I don't see how it is different from a potential embarrassment of approaching a company of girls at a bar, or uploading a bunch of pictures with dumb quotes to be publicly available on a dating app. At least we get into a bit of depth here.
I'm fine to be embarrassed while other people read though my dating profile from safety and comfort of their own devices. I know that if it hits at least one right person — it was all worth it.
3 GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME
I consider the points below as my positive traits, and something I would usually try to share on the first date.
I was born and raised in Arctic Russia, surrounded by polar days and nights, living under the northern lights all the time. Both of my parents are biologists, and from the early ages they were bringing me along to a lot of scientific expeditions.
That exposure to adventures sparked, later intertwined with music, and eventually dictated the life I live today. I've been to 59 countries, countless weird places and situations. The stories I can tell would definitely fill a book or two. Honestly, I can't stop wondering how am I not dead by now.
Being a part of the international cosmopolitan music community, I speak the tongue of the "Western countries", but at the same time deep inside I carry many other point of view. The country I was born in stopped existing a year later, leaving some power vacuum for complete anarchy and freedom, then its successor went its own unique way. I'm hoping to believe my perspective on things is quite wide.
Still struggling to determine what masculinity exactly is, but I can say that I am definitely organized, focused, responsible and resilient.
Sometimes I make a joke that I have an "anti-ADHD syndrome". I can lock on a task and not let go for 10-15 years, until that task is fully completed. That's how I built my existing lifestyle, physique, learned new languages and managed two immigrations.
However, this only works when I'm sure the task is worth the effort. And I certainly consider a long term relationship to be one of those.
I do cool shit for work. Never knew touring with bands was a legitimate career path, and now I'm slowly climbing it. It fills me with joy, meaning, strong bonds, experiences and stories. It pays the bills also. Can't imagine being hooked up on a boring well-paid bank job that I hate with every cell of my body. It's just sad.
The relationship bonus that comes with a tour manager boyfriend is 50% discount on flights. Since I'm already in another country, and my flights are paid by the band, only 1 flight should be purchased for before starting a romantic vacation.
3 BAD THINGS ABOUT ME
These are the ones laying on the intersection of what I'm aware from psychotherapy sessions and what my dates found annoying or just bad while trying to deal with me. I'm sure there's a hundred more, but these are the basics.
Or inconsiderate, rather. Not in the sense that I want everything for myself, and nothing for others — I love to share if I have the resources or time, bringing a pile of presents from every trip, organizing activities for friends and many more.
My selfishness is rather embedded into the core decision making process. Whenever I want to do something — I just plan and execute it, completely forgetting to include my partner's interests or feelings into that process.
I am 90% certain this shit comes from being the only child in my family — I never needed to plan for two, nor expected pushback if my actions potentially violated someone else's area of interest.
While being fully aware of this, I feel like I'm dealing with a colander — focus and plug one hole, but the water will just start flowing from the other. And I have just as many fingers to plug them.
Not much to add here — it takes me a looong time to start truly trusting a person. Period.
Again, this roots deep into the early school years, and I am fully aware.
Not being able to slay this dragon throughout my life, I eventually switched tactics. Quite early I realized that I gain trust by having shared experiences, especially when I can see the person's true self. Unfortunately, those often involve significant amount of stress...
So, instead of simply waiting for enough time to pass, I prefer to increase the amount of gained shared experience to speed up my "trusting process". My go-to is traveling together — even under a small, but constant amount of stress which travel brings with it, many the most obvious things may quickly come to the surface. Traveling also creates a lot of shared memories and lore, tightening the bond.
It's one of those things which is both a blessing and a curse.
I absolutely love what I do, but working in touring industry is hard and sadly includes big chunks of physical and emotional absence. I wrote a whole other article about it.
From the outside it may look like I'm having a lot of fun, posting only the positive moments on social media. In reality I'm deadly tired and oftentimes in a terrible mood that I don't want to project outwards on my potential partner. This difference in perception often causes jealousy, misunderstanding or conflict.
WHAT DO I LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER
Quite quickly I figured out that I can't exactly describe or predict who I may get attracted to. In a room full of people there can be a conventionally hot girl, but my brain won't even register the fact. At the same time there can be another girl of unconventional appearance, and I won't stop secretly staring at her because she just had a contagious laughter. And the next day it can be all backwards.
I truly believe that it takes 3 min conversation for the brain to make decision on whether or not I am attracted to somebody. And oftentimes it doesn't have anything to do with the visual attributes. It's that weird and beautiful chemistry happening deep inside that everybody's keep making songs about.
Get instantly attracted for hooking up is one thing, but look out for personality traits in order to have a strong relationship based on mutual values is another. It took me years to realize it's actually two separate things.
I often hear complaints about people trying to find someone who "checks all the boxes", instead of enjoying their potential partner simply for who they are. Not sure what's wrong with the checkboxes thing exactly?
If it's a dealbreaker, does it mean I have to shove it forever? Or figure out after years into a relationship? Or else?
The other day I sat down and reflected on some of my past relationships, in which I was very attracted to the girl, but it all went sideways due to personality mismatch down the road.
Of course, I want the best partner out there, but I don't think it's fair to be wishing for something that I'm not. Let below be the baseline, and if another person is more than that — I am a happy guy and certainly am willing to improve and catch up to her level.
These are the traits I look for, find important and attractive:
DISCIPLINE
Physique: To be in good shape through diet and exercise. I'd expect this may piss a lot of people off, so I included it first.
Sport has been an integral part of my life for over 30 years, I simply don't see myself without being active multiple times a week, and am secretly hoping that is a big reason why I look quite different from an average man of my age.
I've been skinny, I've been fat, I know how difficult it is to change or maintain body composition and will never judge anybody who gave up trying. But at the same time I don't see myself trapped in a long term relationship with an unhealthy partner, whose health and attractiveness deteriorates twice the speed of my own. There could be many reasons for it to do so — sickness, genetics, accidents, aging, but lack of discipline should absolutely not be one of them. It is literally the only thing where we have control.
Financial hygiene: To know the money's worth.
My family growing up was not wealthy, and for every ruble, kroner, pound or dollar I had to work hard. Not very hard. Just hard.
I'm happy to provide for the relationship and be that pillar of financial stability, as well as being positive about dual incomes and having completely independent budgets.
In the modern world of consumerism, full of distractions and abundance of choice, I see more and more people living paycheck-to-paycheck, far beyond their means. While there's nothing inherently wrong with it, "YOLO" mentality never sat well with me in a relationship. I just like spreadsheets too much.
Substance abuse: To know when the party stops.
I was always positive and curious about various substances, and still am a huge advocate for wider research on psychedelics and their positive impact on wellbeing and mental health. My substance of choice was and still is psilocybin, but I tried most of the party drugs out there. Never liked them though.
However, I always knew when it was time to be a laser focused professional, and when to let the demons out and be high out of my fucking mind making frog noises topless on the roof of someone else's car (completely made up story I swear).
Vaping all day, having drinks with colleagues after work couple of times a week, weed gummy before bed and a pill for a weekend festival is not how I imagine reasonable usage to look like. As always — I would never judge, but I prefer to have a partner who's in peace with the sober version of herself.
CURIOSITY
When I was very little, my mom gave me "Hobbit" to read, and my life was never the same. I am an explorer to the core, navigating through space and time, amazed by how beautiful and fucked up the world around really is.
Most of my old friends settled in their comfort zones, but I'm still curious every day about what's hidden behind the next turn of the road, still pushing it further. I don't feel it's gonna change anytime soon, and in my life it applies to everything.
Even though it's great to have some routine, relaxation and grounding, going to the same beach every summer (or even a different one) is not how I'd imagine spending time with my partner. I'd much rather rent a 17-tonn barge and try to figure out how to control it as we approach a brick wall on full speed. What? Exactly! Or start a cool new hobby together at least!
It would be a huge bonus if this curiosity applies to music. I absolutely don't mind "I listen to everything" approach, but in this case my potential partner may find herself into a 1 hour long lecture about Russian emo scene, listen to some random ass norwegian chaotic hardcore band I dug out yesterday or enjoy an obscure electronic track that sounds more like animal farts. Everything means everything, right? RIGHT?!
AGENCY
Perhaps the most ephemeral checkbox of them all: to be fully responsible for your own life.
I don't get along with people that are religious, too spiritual, or simply think their life's fully dictated or badly influenced by society, governments, politicians or men. There's a way out of almost every hole, and our lives are our own.
CONCLUSION
Thank you for reading all this yap. Not sure if it was very insightful, but for me it was definitely therapeutical.
I would be happy to have a relationship. I am also in peace with the idea of not finding a partner in life, but in this case I must be sure I did everything that was in my power at the time (meaning "today").
As it is true there's abundance of choice and certain people can't make themselves to commit to anything anymore, as there are many people out there seeking genuine relationship and emotional bond. And this is what I'm after.
If anything of what I said above made sense — I'd be happy if you reach out to dates@alexanderagri.com , I just kicked it up and running. I'll treat any incoming messages with full confidentiality, meaning not even mentioning the fact to anybody.
I am hopeful and I will keep searching.